hafacenturyncounting

Motivated by a lack of material.

25 Nov 2025

I Wanna Be Where You Are

There it is in the title a short synopsis of belonging, but it is wide open and vague.

I recently joined a group I found to be exciting and befitting for me. I l immediately was drawn to it because of the name. The name suggested even more that this was a group I not only wanted to be a part of, I needed to be a part of. They exemplified “my tribe“. Therefore, I joined. There were a couple of things required of new members and I had what was needed… I submitted the info and I was accepted.

I smiled rather smugly because I felt accomplished and victorious. I scrolled around my group. I looked at photos read profiles and introductions. Then it happened. I came across an individual who did not meet with the standards I read. I did not acknowledge this individual but observed the responses of others. After all I was new, perhaps I had missed something. I refrained from contacting the administrators at first but did eventually pose the question, “Why is this person here?” However, it was more of a statement than a question because the group was majority against this individual’s presence than for it. Before I could get a reply, here comes another and another. Soon I am reading things like, “Why is this literally the only thing this group talks about?” I am not asking that question because it is predominately being asked by people who do not fit the criterion. I had another question.

Why do you want to be someplace or among individuals who do not want you there? That sounds harsh, it is not, it is factual. I thought of a number of scenarios where I felt I was going down the rabbit hole with discrimination screamed at me, but that was extreme. However, I still had to at the very least glance at it. What if I were at the helm and a case were brought before me? Could I really justify an injustice with the basic question…Why do you want to be where you are NOT wanted? However, this is NOT about justice itis about exclusivity and the right to exclusivity has oftentimes been used or misused for the sake of injustice.

In our instant gratification society, we really do not have time to read and thoroughly examine what we think we are getting into. Many of us skim and scan through contracts, articles, stories. We grab a hold of what gets OUR attention, call it the main idea and we are “off to the races”. The trouble/danger in this practice is what if we miss something and what do we do when/if this occurs?

My group caught my attention with one word… A word I have heard all of my life. I took it and RAN! The word TALL. All I needed to see was that word, all I needed to do was skim and scan because at 5’10” I KNEW I fit the bill. Nearly every important, significant, phenomenal female friend/relative was/is shorter than I am. This did not bother me in an overt sense. When I did take a closer look as I suspected, I was right. The snobbery and arrogance took over. Is that shocking? The abused oftentimes become the abusers. Plus being a TALL as a woman is viewed quite differently than it is being a TALL as a man. Stature scrutiny versus stature status.

Now I am looking at posts deciding which ones I would or would not respond to and this WAS based on what I determined to be what the rules were AND how I interpreted what I read. Before I wanted to publicly address this, I wanted to have facts, information, and YES ammunition. If I am honest, I wanted the criteria to keep our group exclusive. I wanted to enjoy us without being inundated with folks that aren’t a part of our tribe. Yet the very thing that kept me from posting comments without research was the same thing that made me reexamine what I saw/interpreted/read. The founder put verbiage in the group that states what the standards for height and admission is, but the caveat is “all are welcome“.

Therefore, one must ask oneself; do you want to be a part of a group you thought was exclusive, had positives, things you were looking for, or do you want to exit it, as you would have had the ones YOU thought did not belong should. If I had my way, prior to closely reading what was being expressed by the group’s founder, many who are near and dear to my heart could not attend functions that my group might be hosting. Was that really what I wanted? The group founder says, “all are welcome”… I’m still here.

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25 Nov 2025

A Bitter Black Babe?

“What’s her problem”, you might ask. What does she look like? It cannot be all that bad. However, what if it is? How many rejections and disappointments must one endure? How many of these same things does it take to equal bitter? Will the answers to these questions explain what truly has occurred? Who gets to say what is and is not bitter?

Dating is exhausting. There are no fast tracks to “the one“. Honesty is an accessory which is in high demand, in spite of it being costly. Couple that with, it may be providing you with a false positive. This means; just because you are given a bit of truth, does NOT mean you are NOT dealing with a liar. Then we delve into what constitutes a liar and/or a lie. See why dating is exhausting. We must present and sell ourselves in a fashion that should lead to connecting with a companion who is “like-minded’ … a good match. Still, we find ourselves captured in the “storm of confusion”.

One needs to take periodic breaks; you need to step back and re-evaluate your decisions and situations. Cliches have to be looked at as advice to seriously consider. “You get what you give, garbage in garbage out“, all the while trying to explain, justify, understand how these things pertain to you. It is both sobering and numbing. As we spend our valuable time figuring out things, we look up and realize how much time has been wasted. For in the end many of us end up back at square one. Older= yes, wiser= possibly, bitter=chances are…

One has to ask how do, smart, accomplished, educated, talented, beautiful, kind, caring women end up competing for “Ned the wino” or worse? Make no mistake “Ned” is fully aware he is in demand too. One can keep fighting, hoping, wishing, praying, dreaming of the elusive one. One can come to terms with the one may have passed her by or there simply is not one that fits the criteria she set up. All of these scenarios do bring you back to the bitter black babe. Is there justification for the phenomenon, sure but that does not make it any easier to accept. Whether one is the recipient or the provider, the “sting” is very real.

Posted in Dating 6.0, How We Relate, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , , , | Leave a comment
19 Oct 2025

While You Are Busy Making Plans

John Lennon said, ” Life is what happens while you are busy making plans.” I loved John. I loved “The Beatles”. In 1980 when the news of John’s murder hit the news, I felt the sadness of loss. I had no idea what was ahead for me. I was single, no children and my immediate family was intact. John’s words would become a part of me in a whirlwind of events. I would watch in a sort of out of body experience, with the narration being made up of that simple yet prophetic statement.

Speeding into the future, the everyday drudgery of life; it all seems unremarkable. Looking back, I believe it was actually “setting the stage for the next acts”. We will take it a decade at a time, for days, even years seem overwhelming to recount.

From 1980 thru 1990 I married, had two children and lost my father. From 1990 thru 2000 my family moved away from everything we were familiar with to another state, and I had a child graduate from high school. 2000 thru 2010 my other child graduate from high school, the 1st black president was elected, and I became a grandmother. 2010 thru 2020; a second grandchild was welcomed into the family. Then I lost a great portion of my immediate family, my mother, my youngest son, my younger brother, and my husband. I lost sight of who I was because that person no longer existed, only portions of her remained and she was unrecognizable. 2020 thru present; a pandemic, I retired, what remained of my immediate family, and I left the state we had settled in for 30 years.

August 2025 a reminder of the pain of loss returned; my brother-in-law passed away. I always liked Calvin. In my mind I had lost all the people that I could bare, and I should not have to lose anyone else. The logical thought is that I would go before anyone else, but I aint logical. I feel like the universe has wronged me and I get to say how it will make things right. I am not an idiot, though as I write this, I know how irrational I sound. However, it sounds, it is the expression of how I feel. This kind of loss is a reminder how fragile life is. This kind of loss is a trigger that takes me back to the times that a familiar type of hurt was encompassing my life. It is familiar, but that does not soften the blow or the shock. Part of the resilience of humans is that we retain hope and that hope makes us insulate from certain pain, even if the insulation is a temporary loss of memory.

I wish I had something ironic or profound to end this with, I don’t. Instead I will leave you with words you have likely heard/read before. “Live each day is though it were your last, for it may very well be.” It is wonderful to have a plan, but always keep in mind that you have to factor in LIFE and that adds an entirely different dynamic to your plan.

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05 Aug 2025

Algorithms and Such

Defined an algorithm is a set of rules to be followed in calculations or other problem-solving operations.

Well in my humble opinion dating is a problem worthy of solving. I am thinking I am not alone. The dating apps are all over and each one suggests, if not promises results that others cannot. Any good salesperson is going to fill your head with suggestions but how you interpret, process, and regurgitate this information is likely gonna fall on YOU.

First let’s be clear here, the dating apps do not clearly STATE there is use of algorithms. However, we as a society are a smart, educated, informed group. We are using the process of elimination and deductions to draw the conclusion an algorithm is being utilized. Dating apps evolved from dating services and personal ads. I imagine if younger people read this piece their response will be “WTF is a dating service/personal ad?” However, to my targeted audience you all know of what I speak.

There are other factors of course; numbers, personal data collection, etc. I do submit that it is a combination of these factors plus the algorithm which give the dating apps “wings”. The numbers are simple; we are dealing with the amount of submissions… basic counting. The personal data collection is a bit more complex, for it leaves room for alterations and fabrications from the very source. Let’s be real, everyone is not telling the truth. Now the algorithm is stuck with drawing a conclusion with tainted data. Then someone like me comes along and says,” The algorithm is f#@&ed, why bother telling the system my preference is over 6′ yet a 5’5″ guy is in my “perfect match” column?”

What can I say… I decided to swim in this dirty water. I know there are risks but we are all adults here, in my case “waaay adult”. Therefore, I scroll and swipe. Sometimes the photos ARE all you need. When you are a writer, it is difficult to use that as a primary screening process. Our natural curiosity makes us go deeper; we want to read the “story” and get a feel for the character. While many can manage a working title, few can pull off the other elements. Then it becomes too much effort, and the imposters simply decide to move on. After all, throw enough… stuff against a wall, something will stick. What is left are the casualties of the process. Casualties that try to remain hopeful something good will slip through and the algorithm will actually yield positive possibilities and/or results.

Posted in Dating 6.0, The Dating Game 6.0 and tagged , | Leave a comment
03 Aug 2025

It’s Kinda Funny

This was not my choice. I was thrown into this pool by “life”. What I have found of life is that it IS random and unpredictable. Thus, my presence here and I will add…”It’s Kinda Funny“.

I have been writing at this blog for a little over 15 years now. By this time, I thought I would have many more followers. I thought I had something relevant and important to say, at least to the people that fall into the category I believe I address, my contemporaries. They were/are who I was concerned with addressing. Who was I trying to fool. These people I was/am addressing are busy being about the life I am merely talking about. While my blogs take a serious point-based turns, sometimes they are not thought provoking and sometimes they are funny. I only mean for them to be pertinent to those who find themselves reading them.

I was scrolling about on the internet and a reel came up from one of my favorite comedians…Sinbad. I have seen Sinbad in person, watched him on television and in movies. I love this guy and his style. He is a fabulous storyteller with the uncanny ability to make one look at themselves and recognize the humor in our very own existence. I decided that after months of NOT writing I would try my hand at this comedic method to tell a part of my story. My current position in the “dating world”. Sit back and/or hold onto your hats folks, for this is a visit to a place called “me”.

There are undoubtedly an entry of two about my life in the dating world on my blog/this blog. Therefore, I do not feel like starting at the beginning is necessary. If I need to revisit the beginning later, I shall but for now let’s start with where I am currently. Here I am, still single still wanting to have fun, still wanting to find a man who “gets” me and likes me anyway. I am NOT consciously looking for the fairy tale anymore but a step up from Armageddon would be nice.

65 and 66 is closing in on me rapidly. Many of my contemporaries are still married or “boo-ed up”. Happily, or not, I am sure when things are bad/challenging/questionable they find solace in saying to themselves or out loud…”well at least I am not alone like yours truly“. The dating apps are a Petry dish for scams and assorted other unpleasant things. The other options are limited, especially if your do not live in or very near a big city. No more than we could return to a rotary dial telephone, we are stuck with/fortunate to have the technology. To date I have NOT been scammed nor has anything really damaging happened to me. I would love to say I am just too smart for that to happen… I think in spite of my tempting fate I have just been lucky.

As a writer and a student of human behavior I visit areas (on the sites) that I know the undesirables dwell in. Meaning simply guys I should not talk to (offshore workers, Nigerian entrepreneurs, etc.) However, they do not limit themselves to places where the upstanding honest folks think they should be. They test and invade the places that we would never suspect, hoping to catch a fledgling or someone with their guard down. One might ask, ” Okay so when does this get funny?” This particular entry is an introduction to the path I have decided to give a guided tour of. Your tour guide is slightly more than a trainee. We all know that trainees are prone to error. We also know that barring the inside info the “company has provided them with, a reasonably intelligent adult could probably manage their very job excluding some jargon and trade secrets. At least we tell ourselves this.

Upon approach, the apps look remarkably the same as they did when I visited them some years ago (5 and a half to be exact). Slight changes are what my untrained eye can see. There are noticeably more to choose from, and the fee-paying member is more likely to be on these sites now. I still resist; I still say the site has meager choices for non-paying folks, why would I believe paying will make it better. You see I think it is all in the algorithm. I challenge myself to challenge it/them. This is where it starts to get funny… I am NOT a numbers person. Mathematical theorems and such are NOT my strong suit. Why would I think I could get around a number-based application? Enter, arrogance.

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19 Apr 2025
1 Comment

Can Our Friendship Survive The Politics

This is a wonderful person. Funny, kind, logical, resourceful to name a few attributes. We mesh, my friend and me. However, there is something that can come between us and take all of this away. We both know it is true. We tactfully avoid this thing. We do not dance around it; we act as though it does NOT exist. This way we can go along and enjoy the great thing we have found in our friendship. However, it is there, and it will not go away.

Politics and political climate, if I am honest has always been a powder keg. There are times when it is more visible, more volatile, but it is always there waiting on a catalyst. If it goes to my liking, my friend may be quite unhappy and vice versa. Will I celebrate, will I rub it in her face, or will I revel in silent excitement and joy. What will she do faced with the same.

I have to admit there is some real ugliness that fuels my feelings regarding this subject and this particular politician. When I think of and say the things I do, or write what I write, or comment on different entries…then I think of my friend and have to accept I feel like she is a part of those feelings. She is those negative thoughts and comments, because otherwise she would not be on that side. I have to be fair; her political views have to make her say/think the some of the very same things.

How good of a friend can one be if they do not confide or feel free to discuss any and all things? Avoidance is not a building block for a healthy relationship. Sometimes we feel it is necessary to spare feelings, we take the lead, make ourselves into this self-sacrificing being and tell ourselves, ” It will be better in the long run to spare their feelings”. That is not all there is though. We don’t want to lose any good we have and a good person, a good friendship is difficult to let go of.

As I prepare to meet my friend for another lunch, shopping date, or movie night, I have to check my pulse. I cannot go without taking my political temperature. I do all of this and have to remain cognizant that all the checks and balances may not, will not, cannot prepare for all the possibilities for conflict. I just may not see it coming. Then the answer to the question will begin to be revealed.

Posted in One For My Friends, Quickbits and tagged ,
10 Apr 2025

Love The One You’re With

Now I know my some of my contemporaries recall the title of The Isley Brother’s song. Many probably know most of the lyrics. Although it was released during a time period where dating and love was not as complicated as it is now, there clearly was a need to reflect on one’s love life.

Relationships, dating, interacting … I have loads of time to write about this because I am basically not active in two of the afore mentioned categories. Time gives us opportunity to reflect. When you find yourself in this place make good use of it. “Love The One You’re With” is about self-love. Yes, we spend time making sure things are right for others, but we neglect the one person who we really should not .. ourselves.

Being in the status that affords one the ability to NOT have to punch a time clock, log hours or be at any given place at any given time, WILL spoil you. Things like being on time for appointments and/or events may fall from your priority list. You have to remind yourself, ” Just because I have all the time I need today, does NOT mean the other person or situation does.” The dentist asks what’s a good day for you, you have to figure what day cannot/will not work. Let’s see I am going to wake-up sometime in the morning and then after taking care of basic hygiene… now what? Time joins the list of casualties on your list of ” I’ll get around to it”.

If you are able to have someone else take care of your hair-skin-nails which are metamorphosizing at an extreme rate, what do you do…you go have those services taken care of. On the other hand, if you have decided these maintenance things are no longer necessary because no one is going to SEE you, here is some “food for thought”. YOU SEE YOU! Our perceptions directly affect our reactions. If you see worn out and tired, you will take on the persona of that even if you did not intend to. It will NOT take long before you find yourself existing as you appear. My father used to always quote me this phrase, ” So a man thinketh, so a man shall be.” YOU re worth the time and the effort. YOU matter and that will be what you project when YOU “Love The One You’re With”.

Therefore, self-love is imperative. For your health, for your well-being, and for your life. We cannot hope to be of value to others if we do not first value ourselves. Take time for you, go to the gym, read a book on a subject you are interested in, get a pedicure or better yet try giving yourself one in the comfort of your home. Then you can go out and share some of the positivity you have gained or re-gained, by loving the one you are with…YOU!

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07 Apr 2025

Blessed With Longevity, Cursed With Life

As the decades pass, sometimes we sit still and realize what this means. Our time on the planet is no longer measured in increments whose boundaries can be confined to 365 days. We have now accumulated enough of those periods to be placed in another category.

When I started hafacenturyncounting, I was only five decades into my journey. I clearly remember being a child and marveling at, as well as being astonished by someone who was 50 years old! Now the “ncounting ” is taking on a new life with new meaning. Senior days at respective retail stores, AARP membership, social security, and retirement benefits define me. Now I laugh about this at times, now I marvel at this too, and then there are the occasions when the brutality of aging smacks me in the face.

Let me tell you why I laugh. I find it funny and ironic when I speak about “older people” and catch myself because I AM NOW one of the older people. I wonder how this happened and how I could possibly forget or overlook who I am. As close as I can come to an explanation and/or admission is that I do not consciously identify with my group. I don’t look like an “older person“, except the fact that my hair is gray/graying. I could fix that with a wig, or I could color my hair, but I really don’t want to. Alright, so I guess I do possess a characteristic associated with an “older person“.

Now let me tell why I marvel at being a part of the “older people’s group”. I find myself looking at the generation(s) right behind ours and saying or thinking, ” What in the world or Why are they so….” No need to finish the sentence or thought, it is not positive. Yet the marvel and irony come to mind as I remember when my parents’ generation and beyond thought and said the very same things about us.

Then there is facing the brutality of the aging process. I have always been a very healthy person. This has been a good fortune I still possess. I am aware that as the numbers (chronological age) increase the possibility and probability of change in one’s physical self becomes more likely. Yet being spared the reality of pain and discomfort has allowed me to disregard them. Trust me I was reminded how rapidly things like your physical condition can change. I did not like it either.

Overall, one must acknowledge these little irritations and irregularities are a part of the blessing of living longer. Longevity comes at a price. That price can be viewed as small in comparison to the alternative. When that fact comes to the forefront appreciate what is being gifted to you and accept that eventually we all end up at the same destination.

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16 Mar 2025

Nuthin in New Bern

This is not to be insulting or offensive. It is an observation that takes into account personal preferences and choices.

A beautiful little city in Eastern North Carolina, I came to live here because my eldest son was offered a promotion. He asked me if I wanted to move with his family here. Due to the fact that I am a widow, and we lost his younger brother in 2018, he knew I had nothing tying me to Atlanta that would take precedence over my remaining immediate family. It was a “no brainer”. Therefore, I made the decision to head “north”.

Upon our arrival here I was taken with the cuteness. There were unique little shops, there was familiar retail and loads of eateries. The demographic was quite different from Metro Atlanta, but on the other hand I embraced things like very little traffic and close proximity to the beach. Fast forward over 3 years later. Life happens, as it just does. My son and his family moved back to the Atlanta area. My moving back was not as “simple” as theirs was. I was enrolled in college classes; I had a lease, and my retirement income while adequate for New Bern very well could/would/may present a challenge that I was not really prepared to deal with. I am now basically alone with Nuthin In New Bern.

As seniors we all have a very real possibility of being ALONE somewhere, at some time in our futures. We may either outlive or outlast our people and/ or circumstances. I speak with my 93-year-old “play mother”(she is actually my younger sister’s official godmother, but she was my mom’s best friend for decades of mom’s life. She is family) daily. This out-living/out lasting is her “plight”. As I examine my circumstances, I feel the need to sound off the warning signal. When I speak of my “play mother’s” plight it is yet another observation of how varied we are as Baby Boomers. It is also worthy of notice. Be it health, finances, tragic events; we have years of experience in life to deal with changes. However, we have undergone many changes that may take us off track. As we have aged, we naturally have taken on some of the characteristics of aging, whether we want to or not. The adage of “teaching an old dog new tricks” takes on a new light when you find you are not only embracing that line of thinking, but you’re also living it.

The graces that youth provides us with, are no longer benefits we “hold the papers to”. I am a bit adventurous and nomadic, but now my new “friends (limitations and mobility)” trailing behind me, closing in on me, and they are just waiting to join my caravan of life. I have to mount an offensive. This state of “being alone” gives you an opportunity to do a great deal of thinking… too much thinking at times. For an overthinker it is not necessarily a good thing. However, the flip side is my mind shall not be “a workshop for the devil”.

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21 Nov 2024

Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

I should have known better. I should have seen this coming. Tell me the one thing you hope no one ever says or thinks about you. When you find yourself faced with that very thing, that very thought, what do you do. Will you let pride and ego drag you down the path of destruction of sorts?

Sometimes you get blindsided. I asked myself the question, I told myself, for the most part, I do not care what people think about me. I also realize on some levels that is NOT true. I am confrontational, I am judgmental, I am also respectful and exercise tact. I kept hearing over and over again how there was no need to worry about me, because I will be alright. She can/will handle it. As time went on, I wondered if that was/those assessment were because that is truly how I am viewed/seen/perceived or was this a way of getting folks that I may have turned to off the hook.

Making it your business NOT to say or do things for reaction in your personal life is far different than what you have been taught to do in your business life. Yet the two worlds entwine and intermingle.

You find yourself in a place of insignificance and disregard. It does NOT feel good. Individuals that once turned to you for advice and assistance, do not notice it has been several days since they communicated with you. When they do communicate, they do NOT take time to hear or listen to you. At first you may not even notice this is happening. Then as time goes on and it occurs more and more, what do you do? Do you approach it and try to identify where the break has manifested, or do you ignore it and hope the other individual has a revelation/comes to their senses and makes everything right?

In your work world you exercise tact and operate in a place that gives individuals the benefit of the doubt. If they do not respond the solution can be a simple discussion or as drastic as them losing their job. However, unlike in your personal life, the cards are placed on the table.

I was much better at this when I was younger, but now with a panic attack under my belt I am realizing I must care for me. I cannot let things happen. I cannot wait for the other shoe to drop.

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